I'm a Millennial

  • Posted on: 20 July 2015
  • By: davis

I like to eat things. I like to talk about eating things. I like to make my eating of things a cultural statement. I only eat at certain places because some places are low-class. When I go to high-end restaurants, I know the food is better because people dress differently. I don't dress differently though, that would be cultural appropriation, and I'm NOT down with that.

I'm just a foodie - you might not understand. I like to read food blogs. I like to post pictures of food. I like to watch commercials of food. I like to watch cooking shows where famous people eat food. I can't experience it in any way, of course, but I like to watch people eat food and then moan.

Oh yeah, the way they shove food in their mouths gets me going. I like to watch a panel of culinary experts put calories in their mouth and exhale blissfully. This makes me happy, so I watch it all the time. I like to see people cooking food in the South, the North, India, Antarctica. I live in a country where obesity kills a ton (hurr hurr) of people each year. I mentally masturbate to the thought of more food. I buy my cooking utensils because a fat lady on T.V. also prepares her caloric intake using the same tools! I have favorite food makers, and I've never tasted their food. It sure looks good when I'm watching it alone on my couch at 2AM.

Conversationally, I'm stunted. Hey, have you seen the latest Game of Thrones? You haven't? What about Mad Men, Sopranos, Arrested Development, or any other show? I can only relate through the discussion of broadly-available entertainment mediums. I love it when marketing consultants put together Twitter campaigns to track their demographics - yeah, I love participating in the ecosystem known as Big Data. 

I am thrilled when companies do cross-promotions! I love it when my wants and desires just perfectly line up with the market that media companies have created, and I enjoy the things I'm told to enjoy. Do you guys remember that one movie that was really good? Man, it was SO good. I hope they bring it back! Let's start a doomed Kickstarter so other people can talk about how we liked that thing once. I really like "liking" things. On Facebook, I guess you could say I'm well-liked - I delete posts that don't get enough likes. I LOVE to like things. It's so easy! I'm like "BAM, I LIKE THIS" and then the Facebook page shows that I have successfully liked something! SO REFRESHING!

No, I don't have any long-term concerns about the storage, proliferation, and security of data linked to me. I can't think more than one Netflix episode ahead, damn it, how do you expect me to wrap my head around companies gathering real-time information on me and my habits? I just want to tag my friend in this picture of this #sope from #tacobar #gasstationfood #tripled #flour #tortilla #salsa #dopefood #foodie #shootme. 

Yes, Twitter, please recommend some more people for me to follow. I think that the best thing for my mental health is to be constantly updated with the activities of narcissists and people desperate for recognition.

Speaking of narcissists, woooo boy do I fall in that category. Everyone else is so fucking stupid - I'm the only one that's figured out exactly how the world works. Other people are dumb for having other viewpoints. I take selfies to remember how my face looks. I am most easily excited by outrage politics because I know how to get mad. It's easy to be pissed off, but hard to find solutions. That's why I like to re-post articles to Facebook when I'm really upset! 

I want to be like the stupid pompous assholes that put time into their "Twitter personalities." I want to take life advice from some jackoff who wakes up, checks Twitter, posts on Twitter, checks Twitter again, and then takes a morning piss, while checking Twitter. This person, I think, clearly has figured their life out. I'll definitely take advice from him.

I like to post motivational boards so other people can see the progress I'm thinking about making. That makes me think that I'm moving forward. Actual progress is hard to come by because I was filtered through an educational system that largely just taught me to regurgitate information, not solve problems.

I define myself based on what I consume. I go to conventions to find other people who consume the same things. I pay money to see live-action comic books, and I'm not a child. Do you consume different material than me? Man, we're sooooo different. Trekkies vs. Star Wars, am I right guys?

I wonder what will happen next in dramatic television shows. I like to speculate about why a fictional character would do something. I am actually stupid enough to watch reality television.

I read the same websites every day. I read the same writers every day. I don't expand my intellectual curiosity - there are a kajillion sites on the Internet, and I visit the same four each day. I like my news to be delivered to me in an understandable, dumbed-down way. I have the attention span of a gnat with ADD.

I leave the TV on so there's noise. Yeah, I can't stand the thought of being in solitude, so I like to have commercials shout at me from a blinking box. 

I take Adderall because I can't concentrate. I can't concentrate because every second of the day, I'm bombarded with the message "HEY! STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING! LISTEN TO THIS AD!" I purposefully seek out entertainment laden with intrusive advertisements. I love Coke. And Pepsi. And Mtn. Dew. I could go on - just understand that if you put sugar water in a can and tell me it's good, I'll drink that shit until I die. And I will die, because I'm a fat shit.

I read one book per year and I post on Facebook about it. 

I consider myself well-read, just like every other American.  

I listen to actors talk about things on TV and think it's real. I haven't built anything with my bare hands in years. I am lazy and generally unskilled. I'm overweight, undereducated, and over-opinionated. I've been told all of my life that my opinions matter. I'm independent, of course - I just happen to think in lockstep with the news channel I follow most. 

I am easily outraged. I look for reasons to be offended. When other people are offended, I think it's funny. When I'm offended, the joke has clearly gone too far. When someone says something prejudiced, I think they should lose their job, 100% of the time. I think that people are political pawns and treat them as such. 

Again, I'm a twenty-something, statistically overweight moron who watches comic book movies - but I will loudly tell you just what needs to be done to fix the world. I am devoutly anti-religion, and I've filled the void with consumption. New video games, new movies, new shows, new political narratives - give them to me. Don't let me focus on what's happening right now. Sell me on the idea of a better life. I can't be bothered to work on mine.