I'm a Millennial

  • Posted on: 20 July 2015
  • By: davis

I like to eat things. I like to talk about eating things. I like to make my eating of things a cultural statement. I only eat at certain places because some places are low-class. When I go to high-end restaurants, I know the food is better because people dress differently. I don't dress differently though, that would be cultural appropriation, and I'm NOT down with that.

I'm just a foodie - you might not understand. I like to read food blogs. I like to post pictures of food. I like to watch commercials of food. I like to watch cooking shows where famous people eat food. I can't experience it in any way, of course, but I like to watch people eat food and then moan.

Oh yeah, the way they shove food in their mouths gets me going. I like to watch a panel of culinary experts put calories in their mouth and exhale blissfully. This makes me happy, so I watch it all the time. I like to see people cooking food in the South, the North, India, Antarctica. I live in a country where obesity kills a ton (hurr hurr) of people each year. I mentally masturbate to the thought of more food. I buy my cooking utensils because a fat lady on T.V. also prepares her caloric intake using the same tools! I have favorite food makers, and I've never tasted their food. It sure looks good when I'm watching it alone on my couch at 2AM.

Conversationally, I'm stunted. Hey, have you seen the latest Game of Thrones? You haven't? What about Mad Men, Sopranos, Arrested Development, or any other show? I can only relate through the discussion of broadly-available entertainment mediums. I love it when marketing consultants put together Twitter campaigns to track their demographics - yeah, I love participating in the ecosystem known as Big Data. 

No One Cares About Your Excuse For Being Late

  • Posted on: 8 July 2015
  • By: davis

Hoooooly shit is this some new thing the internet is going through?

I'm seeing tons of shitty clickbait articles from EliteDaily, Buzzfeed, et. al about the habits of chronically late people.

Seriously, look at this stupid fucking title - "Optimistic People All Have One Thing In Common: They’re Always Late"

If You Use Reddit, Bernie Sanders Is Hoping You're A Fucking Idiot

  • Posted on: 5 May 2015
  • By: davis

Isn't it crazy how Bernie Sanders articles keep appearing on Reddit?

On the front page, no less. It's almost as if there's a concerted effort to game the voting system and shove a candidate into a demographic hotspot.

Good for them, Reddit needs to learn its lesson. It probably won't.

A Beautiful Game

  • Posted on: 3 May 2015
  • By: davis

If you've met me and talked with me for some length of time, you're probably aware that I really like video games. I don't just like video games - I specifically enjoy matching up against players of equal skill and playing a thrilling mental battle.

When I was young, I used to butt heads against the world's best (matter of fact, I was the world's best in one game). 

I am sometimes asked if "that's it." So.. you play a video game against people?

The point isn't the video game. I happen to prefer First Person Shooters - they are raw, real, and in your face. You are against them. Nothing else matters.

What's lovely about video games is that it's a very even playing field. There are certain limitations that everyone is limited by - a player model can only move 100 units/second. That applies to everyone. Now, who can do the most damage with that restriction? 

Riots Are For Losers

  • Posted on: 28 April 2015
  • By: davis

I don't care about your politics with regards to the Baltimore riots. I don't care why you're angry. I hope you succeed in getting what you want, to be honest, whatever that is.

But I know something about your movement - it will fail, this time.

Because it's called a "riot." You've already lost.

Winners wage wars, battles, skirmishes. Losers riot.

Come On People

  • Posted on: 24 April 2015
  • By: davis

No ‘swooshing’: ISIS reportedly bans Nike because it sounds like ‘sex’ in Arabic

So sayeth RT. Reddit upvoted this, of course, because they'll upvote anything that contains a mass consumer product. First line of the story: "Unverified reports suggests that the Islamic State has banned Nike apparel because the brand’s name sounds like the term for sexual intercourse in Arabic. Militants have reportedly been ordered to get rid of smutty-sounding sportswear."

Color me surprised that a widely circulated, unverified, English-speaking report is being used to dehumanize an opponent and justify bloodshed.

 "So great are the psychological resistances to war in modern nations that every war must appear to be a war of defense against a menacing, murderous aggressor. There must be no ambiguity about who the public is to hate." - Harold Lasswell

Famous Actor Does Thing

  • Posted on: 22 April 2015
  • By: davis

A Famous Actor said something today. When asked about something outside his realm of expertise, he dutifully replied.

This reply was quickly hyped all over Twitter. Facebook blew up. "The Internet Broke," said one thousand awful daily publications.

"Here's Why That Thing That Famous Actor Said Is Tangentially Related To This Website's Focus," wrote one paid intern in her seventh post of the day.

Personal Qualms With Computer Privacy

  • Posted on: 17 April 2015
  • By: davis

It's mentally exhausting to live in this cyber-warfare age. When I know for a fact that everything I do is being logged in some fashion by someone. I am casually interested in cyber-warfare and spend most of my day dealing with intrusion prevention and server maintenance. I grew up reading The Cuckoo's Egg by Cliff Stoll. I felt his triumph and his agony as he tracked his perpetrator across the world, eventually landing on a suspect with KGB connections.

Dreams Dashed - Guinness Rejects Application

  • Posted on: 9 April 2015
  • By: davis

I submitted a couple ideas to the Guinness Book of World Records. I figured (from watching their TV show) that they'd take just about anything.

I was wrong.

Claim ID: 470681 

Thank you for your application to attempt a record you describe as ‘Most times catching and returning ball in 30min'. 

Your record proposal cannot be accepted in this form. 

However, it is very similar to an existing record that Guinness World Records monitors and you are welcome to attempt it as an alternative to your suggestion. 

The record is: ’Most times to catch a flying disc (frisbee) over 5 m by a dog in three minutes’. 

Please note that your application is now for breaking the record Most times to catch a flying disc (frisbee) over 5 m by a dog in three minutes and you will have to meet all criteria in the attached guidelines to break this record. If you are not interested in breaking this record, please ignore this email. 

The current record (current as at the date of this letter) is: 
The most flying discs caught by a dog in 3 minutes was 24 and was achieved by Tarkan Özvardar (Turkey) and his dog 'Rhino' on the set of 'Rekorlar Dunyasi' in Istanbul, Turkey, on 13 July 2013. 

The Listicle Myth: 6 Habits Of Highly Unsuccessful People

  • Posted on: 1 April 2015
  • By: davis
  1. Reading listicles.
  2. Worshipping at the altar of Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, etc.
  3. Reposting BusinessInsider.com listicles with captions like "#growthhacking #futurist"
  4. Reading BusinessInsider.com.
  5. Unironically calling yourself a futurist. (if you are alive, you're a futurist - at least if you plan on being alive in the future)
  6. Succumbing to constant tech-hype (SELF DRIVING CARS GUYS).

You are not going to be Steve Jobs. I can already tell you that. Do you know why I'm so sure?

Because you're reading this.