A Famous Actor said something today. When asked about something outside his realm of expertise, he dutifully replied.
This reply was quickly hyped all over Twitter. Facebook blew up. “The Internet Broke,” said one thousand awful daily publications.
“Here’s Why That Thing That Famous Actor Said Is Tangentially Related To This Website’s Focus,” wrote one paid intern in her seventh post of the day.
College educated, mid-twenties Facebookers surged hard in promoting the Famous Actor’s words. Trashy gossip mags, in an apparent show of solidarity, kept linking to the same story and talking about the Famous Actor’s coincidentally-upcoming movie.
“We just wanted to show support for Famous Actor’s brand new movie, ‘Another Movie About The Same Shit’” said one writer dedicated to writing about other people’s lives. “There definitely was a financial incentive in the form of currency, but we truly believe that Famous Actor just hasn’t had enough exposure. At least, that’s what Sony told us when handing us paychecks.”
As Famous Actor’s comments spread across Facebook, many members of a two-party nation-state jumped at the chance to point out their perceived political differences.
“Typically, you get to use the term limousine liberal only a couple times a day, so it’s a real boon to us,” said one sixty year old conservative who lives in Kentucky.
When asked if Americans could still trust Famous Actor, a mid-level producer told us “It’s not about trust, you idiot, it’s about exposure. We keep hyping the same people over and over, eventually people get the idea and start buying their movies.”
A thirty year old blonde woman, self-described as a “Netflix binge watcher,” complained “Why would Famous Actor even say that dumb thing? I’m going to be SO annoyed when I buy popcorn, drinks, and a movie ticket and crowd into a dark room with lots of other people to watch him. By the way, I’ll be livetweeting the experience!”
Famous Actor’s agent had to be feeling the pressure. When we told him that Americans were interested in his client, he began running in circles and slapping high-fives with anyone in reach. “Who knew that carefully timed press releases could be so beneficial to pushing media consumption?” he yelled in a delirious state.
Fans of Famous Actor enacted a short-lived counter-Twitter culture war, using the hashtag #FamousActorsCanSayAnythingAndI’llBeOkayWithIt. They were quickly countered by #NotAllFamousActors. #NotAllFamousActors provided a fertile breeding ground for political hacks and culture writers to shill their narrative.
Famous Actor’s words were used to justify the Armenian genocide, the existence of cheese strings, and Ferguson (both sides). Jezebel ran a strongly worded takedown of Famous Actor, titled “Famous Actor Is A Fat White Male And I Love Victimhood - Why Words That Are Not Directed At Me Still Hurt.”
As the political lines blurred, some Americans were left wondering just what they were supposed to feel about Famous Actor’s Movie.
Should they see it right away in theaters, wait for the DVD release, pirate it, or just watch GIF’s of it on the Internet?
“Honestly, the hardest part of this, for me, is deciding the manner in which I’ll consume Famous Actor’s shitty new movie,” trilled Stacey, an easily offended mother of four. “Can I buy a doll replica of Famous Actor and let my kids play with it? Should I throw a themed birthday party? There’s just so many ways for me to spend my money on a movie that I didn’t care about until I saw all the controversy.”
“Wait, are we in favor of this guy or not?” asked a confused college graduate working for minimum wage in an open office floor plan. “Can we use ‘10 Things We Wish Famous Actor Had Said’ as a headline? What about ‘15 Cats That Look Like Famous Actor’s Bicep’?”
Famous Actor, clearly upset by the amount of attention he received, appeared on numerous late night television shows to calm the populace down.
“Look, everyone, just because I said something you don’t agree with doesn’t mean you aren’t a valuable market vertical. That’s why I think you should see my new film ‘Shitty Knockoff Part 6’. It’s got everything - money, hype, advertising deals, native advertisements, corporate astroturfing, guerilla marketing, product placement, paid promotions, cross promotions, radio spots, celebrity endorsements and I haven’t even started talking about how many of your peers will feel compelled to see it. Plus, I’ve heard the movie is at least half decent!” - Famous Actor
In a noble example of getting in touch with the millennial demographic, Famous Actor submitted an AMA on Reddit. This genuine, not-corporately-sponsored move was hailed by people on Reddit as “so fucking cool.”
“I mean, when I see a guy like Famous Actor use a platform with millions of viewers a day so effectively - that’s what really makes me think THIS GUY IS AWESOME! Very few people can realize the value of an internet forum with millions of pageviews a day - I’m just glad he chose our humble website for his canned responses. It really made me think - yeah, this guy is great at pretending to be other people.” typed cumonmychest69.
Another Reddit user agreed that Famous Actor’s presence really improved her day, health, and mental well-being. “I like to be reminded when the media juggernaut has thrown its full weight behind one property. Famous Actor’s AMA was so great, you could hardly even tell that an intern was writing his answers for him!”
Editors of content factories could be heard rejoicing as Famous Actor’s AMA came to a close. “I can’t believe this guy just turns out such great soundbites. I mean, his impeccable product placement reminds me of a young Don Draper. Have you seen Mad Men, by the way? I generally feel safest in conversation talking about media that I consume.”
Famous Actor could not be reached for comment, but his agent did tell us that “Famous Actor is skiing on a veritable mountain of money right now, he’s busy.”